idealism | Fuda #33 . reaching out [video]

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Fuda #33 . reaching out [video]

I don't suppose anyone here is good at chopping wood? And heaving lifting.

[If anyone thinks that's a loaded question: it definitely is. For a couple of days now he's been working on a campsite, and it's a lot more work - and a lot less fun - than he expected. It's great at keeping his mind off of less pleasant thoughts, however. Working out usually is.]

[Later in the day, he makes a post that he hasn't looked forward to. His little Luceti family has shrunk so much lately. Tsuzuki knows that it's for the best - that going home is good for them - but he still can't help missing them.]

Link's gone home. He's left letters for some people.

I just felt like some people ought to know.

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[Oh. This again. He pulls away and settles back on the ground.]

[Hisoka make no sense. He'd expected him to be relieved that he doesn't have to do things he has no desire to, not withdrawn.

More than anything else, Tsuzuki wishes they could go back to feeling normal between them, but he doesn't know how they're supposed to get there. Maybe he's blown his chances to ever get there.]

[He sighs.]

Stop thinking so hard.

Sorry.

[Even so, Hisoka's comments have a good way of sticking. They could go back to being nothing but partners, where everything felt safer and more familiar, even if the idea makes him inexplicably sad. It would be difficult to give up the idea of romance altogether. Maybe it wasn't what Hisoka needed out of their partnership. Tsuzuki would be able to honor that, but he would need some weeks to adjust. After loving someone for years, it's impossible to just turn feelings off that quickly, and especially when he's still reeling from losing housemates.]

I bet you never thought you'd have to say that to me, huh?

You should be surprised I haven't said it sooner.

Oh, I thought the reason you hadn't said it sooner was because you were used to me not thinking.

What, don't you notice when you do it?

....I've never thought about it much.

[What did Hisoka mean when he defended himself earlier? Two men together is wrong, sure, but the way he said it sounded like he thought Tsuzuki was two steps away from becoming Muraki. The thought sits heavily with him, making him feel a little sick. Tsuzuki never meant to make him feel that way.]

Do you keep track of every thought you think?

[It's not that complicated. Two men can't create an heir, and what use is there to sexual relations if not procreation?]

I try to be aware.

[It's complicated when it's not explained, leaving Tsuzuki to tease out the meaning himself and spice it up with his own insecurities.]

I guess that makes sense. Does your empathy make it difficult sometimes?

It's important to keep track of which thoughts are mine, if that's what you're asking.

[More than belatedly, and certainly apologetically, he begins to build a wall in his mind. It's not a good time for them to touch and share thoughts.]

Isn't it confusing sometimes?

It used to be. I can control it now.

I'm glad.

So stop worrying.

And don't you dare block me out.

[That only strengthens his resolve. He always hurts the ones he cares about, but at least this way he can minimize the damage.]

I don't think I'm good enough to block anyone out yet, honestly.

Well keep not being good enough. Unless you want me thinking you've gotten yourself possessed again.

[It doesn't dissuade him. The end result will benefit Hisoka, which is enough.]

If that happens, remember to aim for the heart. Or the wings, I guess.

That's exactly what i did the last time.

... Do you want to talk about it?

What's there to talk about? We had a problem and I handled it.

[He shifts in his seat.] I don't remember any of it.

And it's better that way.

Then why tell me things like you shot my heart and wings?

Did it work?

Tsuzuki. Things happened and we both healed already. Drop it.

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[Action] yeah, exactly.

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