idealism | Fuda #46 [action]

[But the longer he stayed away, the more Eley began to notice. He knew that some people liked their space, and he tried to give them that space as much as possible. He too needed to be alone at times. Yet he found it more difficult when he began to worry for those he was close to... He wanted to be there and try to help in any way he could.

After deliberating over it for some time, the Spirit finally made the decision to go to Tsuzuki's apartment in an attempt to find out what was going on. He was starting to wonder if he was even still in Luceti anymore.

Knock, knock!]

[It took a while before Tsuzuki responded. A part of him didn't see the point of opening the door at all. It tired him out just thinking about it.

In the end, it was pure politeness that dragged him through his apartment until he finally came to the door. It's an empty-eyed man that greets Eley in the door, even though he tries to smile.]

Oh. Hi, Eley.

[The absence of any sound or movement just seems to cause Eley even more concern. Maybe he really did go home after all... or had he been kidnapped by the Malnosso?

He was just about to leave when someone finally opened the door. Unfortunately, seeing the state Tsuzuki was in doesn't really lessen the concern he felt for his friend.]

...Tsuzuki. Is something wrong?

[At least he's direct about it.]

I.

[He looked down at his ruffled clothes. A part of him wanted to reassure Eley that everything was fine, so he wouldn't be a burden to anyone. On the other hand he felt too destroyed to be selfless. He just needed someone's support so he wouldn't be alone with his thoughts. His voice was choked when he replied.]

I lost Hisoka.

[At this point it was impossible to tell what Tsuzuki meant by 'lost'. People who died in Luceti usually came back, didn't they? While the circumstances around that might still be traumatic, something told Eley that he probably wouldn't be coming back, or at least that was what Tsuzuki felt.

Whatever had happened, what really mattered right now was how he felt and what Eley could do about it...]

...I am sorry. You were already expressing discomfort over the loss of friends and now...

[He offers a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder. He still wasn't particularly great at knowing what to physically do in these circumstances, but... it was something.]

It will be all right.

[Words didn't mean much when he compared them to the space left after his partner. Somehow, Hisoka had made the little apartment feel like a home. Tsuzuki didn't feel at ease in it anymore, now that he had no one to talk to. It only reminded him of claustrophobia and hospitals.

He ducked his head, unwilling to look into his friend's eyes. It was better that Hisoka went home. But like always, Tsuzuki wanted to stay with him, even if he went. It was terrible and appropriate that Hisoka would get the chance to escape alone. Maybe he'd prefer that. considering how defiantly he wanted to be independent.]

[He wiped at his eyes, so that the tears wouldn't run down his face.]

....I'll miss him.

[Since Tsuzuki wouldn't look at him, Eley hadn't noticed the tears at first... not until he started wiping at them. And truthfully, Eley wasn't sure what to do in this situation. Should he try to think of what another person would do and act like a human? Or should he try to console him as a Spirit would do? Somehow the latter option didn't feel personal enough... but what exactly did humans do when their friends were in such a state?

Well... he was sure he couldn't do much just standing at the door talking at him, so he leans down a little, trying to catch Tsuzuki's eye.]

May I come inside? You should not be alone when you are feeling this way.

[It hadn't occurred to him that Eley may want to come in. Tsuzuki had expected to talk to him, to close the door and return to bed. That's why he straightened in surprise, eyes clear and wet when he finally looked into the spirit's eyes.]

Yes. I'm sorry -- I wasn't thinking.

[He stepped back, giving Eleytheria free access to his home. It was clean enough, considering that he hadn't done anything since he woke up.]

[Of course he wasn't, but Eley wasn't offended by it.]

Thank you.

[He says, offering a gentle nod of understanding as he stepped inside. Normally he would be the guest in this situation and Tsuzuki was the one trying to make him feel more comfortable. Yes, he still didn't like confined spaces, but if a friend was in need of him, he wouldn't push them aside for that. You knew he was serious when he walked in without a moment's hesitation.

Eley didn't sit down yet. Instead he headed over to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He offers it to Tsuzuki, feeling that it perhaps wasn't the best cure for his depression, but the thought was there all the same, right?]

Here. Refresh yourself. It is only natural to grieve for what you have lost, but you must not let it consume you.

[Tsuzuki takes the water, although he's not sure what it's supposed to be good for. Had it really been that long since he drank something?]

[He simply doesn't know what to do anymore, so he simply follows Eley as they walk through the apartment. Tsuzuki sniffs, his voice thick and weird since he's still sad.]

Thank you. For the drink.

[How does a person prevent themselves from being consumed by their own sadness and self-loathing? Tsuzuki never learned that. He sits down on the couch, nursing the water thoughtfully.]

[Eley sits beside him, still watching him carefully. He can't recall ever seeing his friend like this and he realises that his concern is steadily growing into a fear. Was there anything he could do, really? Was it even right that he should be here? The silence fills the room, steadily making the atmosphere heavier and more awkward. Eley shifts a little, unsettled.

He gives a soft sigh. Sometimes he wished he wasn't so useless at this human thing.]

You know that I am... inexperienced with these matters, for which I am sorry. Yet I do want to help. I... do not like to see you this way. If there is anything I can do...

[When he hears what Eleytheria says, it's as if it snaps him out of his own darkness, if only for a moment. Not because he misses Hisoka less, but because he realizes that Eley feels bad because of him. He takes a shaky breath, torn between wanting to comfort Eleytheria and to not be a burden.]

[It will be a lonely place without Hisoka. No one to talk to at breakfast, no one to laugh with over dinner, no one to steal hugs from when he is sad. He feels disconnected just thinking about it.]

Can I have a hug?

[Ah, of course. Why didn't Eley think of that? Maybe because he was so often not used to being touched, let alone embraced, and it was always Tsuzuki who was the one to hug him first...

The Spirit hesitates a little out of instinct, but he does feel at least a little better himself, knowing that he can offer something, no matter how small. So wordlessly, he leans over and hugs his friend, hoping that it might quell the bad feelings even if just a little.]

...I hope I am doing this right. [He says after a moment. He might be blushing a little too, but Tsuzuki can't see him right now at least.]

[Tsuzuki's head ended up resting in the crook of Eley's neck, his tears running down until it hit his neck. He was so tired of everything. Most of all he was tired of being trapped and having no hope in sight.]

[But despite his head feeling stuffed and painful and his heart feeling like it was breaking, it was a relief to be touched. Eley might be new to the whole hugging thing, but that didn't mean he wasn't good at it.]

[He nods his reply against the spirit's neck, wrapping his arms around his waist.]

[He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, the Spirit just letting him cry out his pain and holding onto him for however long he needed to. One thing was certain though, Eley didn't want to leave Tsuzuki alone. Not like this. He wondered if he might tolerate staying here for a while, just until the other man got back on his feet. Somehow he felt that someone better versed in human ways of living would be more beneficial to him, but he didn't know who to turn to yet.

Finally he spoke, though his voice was soft and careful. It was almost as if he was afraid of breaking his friend, he seemed so fragile. He didn't let go though, not until Tsuzuki made the move first.]

If you would not object, I can stay here for a while. At least until the intensity of your pain has passed. I fear for you, should you be left on your own... I do not think I could leave in good conscience.

[When Tsuzuki finally stopped, he felt like he's made out of jello. There was nothing strong and reliable that he could support himself on. Tsuzuki curled up on the couch next to Eley, his purple eyed darkened with emotions. At least the cloud of sorrow had eased somewhat, although it hadn't left.]

[He was grateful for the embrace, because he rarely got hugged without being the one initiating it. What Eleytheria said afterwards, however, he had not expected. Grief was supposed to be a private affair when you were a shinigami, often because there were few to turn to. Having someone that would listen to him wasn't something he was used to.]

You would? Why would you do that for me?

[The question only seems to confuse Eley though, as if he couldn't see why he wouldn't offer to help Tsuzuki.

Well... perhaps it would have been easy for him before. He was supposed to live apart from humans after all, not get wrapped up in their own personal affairs. It was really rather impossible for him to lead the same life in Luceti though, he found, especially when he was competing with a very human set of emotions himself.

Eley rests back on the couch, trying to relax.]

You are my friend... is it not right that I should stay by your side when you are feeling sad? Besides, you have offered me comfort when I have felt down before. I should return the respect you showed towards me.

[He pauses and looks down at his hands, playing with them as if anxious.]

I only wish that there was more I could do...

[Tsuzuki looks down between them, feeling strangely bashful. And ironically, although what Eleytheria says is exactly the opposite of sad, Tsuzuki's tears can't help but fall. It's an emotional day, okay.]

[He sniffs again, resting his head on the back of the couch.]

I'm so glad I met you, Eley. You're a good friend.

[This time the hug doesn't happen because he needs it, but because he wants to show how much it means to him. Tsuzuki doesn't want him to think that his support is somehow not enough.]

...I am?

[For once, for just a moment, he barely registered the hug, just let the man embrace him and sank into the warmth of his arms. It was true that people had called him friend, but he had never really thought about what it meant to be a 'good' friend. That anyone should think that of him was a surprise, albeit not an unwelcome one.

He didn't want to see anymore tears though, good or bad (though to Eley, he assumed all tears to be a negative thing). While he understood the importance of Tsuzuki letting his emotions go, he did hope that it would stop soon as he held him gently, and closed his eyes.]

Our journey is not over, Tsuzuki, remember that. While people may come and go and while we may lose those who are important, we must not forget that there is still more to be done during our own stay.

I for one... am thankful that I can still learn more from you, and more about you. For there is much I do not know.

[Tsuzuki hasn't thought about that. To him, time stands still, so it's impossible to think about a future, much less a happy one. When Eleytheria talks about embracing a new future. he stays silent. It's a beautiful, useful thought in the wake of his misery. Being happy without Hisoka sounds like such a faraway idea.]

[It also felt strange to think that Eley actually wanted to know more about him. Didn't he know that he was worthless? Couldn't even keep his partner safe. Couldn't ever make him happy. Still, he clung to the little hope he had, as if it might be his guide out of the darkness.]

If you stay, I promise that I will tell you everything. There are things I want to know about you, too.

[An exchange of information... It sounded fair enough, though Eley had to wonder just what Tsuzuki was wondering, and if it was something he could answer honestly, if at all. Still, could he really expect his friend to divulge information about himself without giving anything back?

The Spirit would have stayed anyway, at least for a while, but now it seemd that he had even more of a reason to do so. He gives a nod of approval.]

Then I will stay and I will tell you what I can. Though... I should ask you to be patient with me. I am not used to living inside these buildings.

[He was a little embarrassed to admit it but there were a lot of things in these places he'd never encountered before. If he started tinkering with things he didn't understand, things could potentially go very wrong, and he knew it.]

[Tsuzuki is quiet. When he asked him to stay, he had thought in general. Staying in Luceti, not staying in his home. However, the more he thinks about it, the better it sounds. He doesn't want to live in his and Hisoka's apartment with just memories.]

[After another moment, it seems like he's getting control over his emotions. This loss is only one in a line of many. Tsuzuki knows how to suppress it just enough that he won't be a burden on his surroundings. Hisoka is home. That is good. Now that Hisoka's forgotten everything, Tsuzuki will have to try to do the same.]

[Tsuzuki runs his fingers through his hair, looking gratefully at the spirit.]

I understand that. If you need to, we can always try to... I don't know. How can we make it easier for you?

[What could they do? Eley looked around the room as if trying to work out an answer from what he had around him.]

Well... to begin with there are many human machines I have never seen before. It may be wise to show me what to do with them while I stay here, or at least warn me about which ones not to touch.

[See? He knows his curiosity will get the better of him and if what's happened in the past is any indication, he'd end up hurting himself somehow.]

As for being inside, I find it a little more tolerable if the windows are open. Though I know it is cold now, so you may not wish to do that. Perhaps if I turn my focus to you, it will not be so bad.

[Tsuzuki's grateful for the distraction. He gets to his feet, wiping his face with the back of his hand. No more tears.]

I'll survive. How about we look at the bedrooms? Maybe one of them have bigger windows you can open.

[The small smile that blooms on his face is genuine, at least. In the middle of all this madness, he has forgotten how cute Eley could be.]

I can show you the toaster afterwards. That and the oven are the only things you should be careful with.

Ah, yes. That does sound like a good idea.

[He responds, getting to his feet himself. He's glad to see Tsuzuki up again, even smiling, even if he knows that things are likely to be difficult for him for some time. Seeing him so desperately sad... it hurt.]

I have at least some knowledge of the oven, though I have never used it myself, or unsupervised.

[He tilts his head a little.]

But there is a device used solely for toasting objects?

That's okay. I've used the oven several times, so I can show you how not to burn things.

[The loss will hurt a while. After all, Hisoka reminded him that it was possible to trust people without them being disgusted with him. It is better for the empath to be back home. At least then he won't be subjected to Tsuzuki's moods, a victim to the feelings of someone who feels down so often. It is a kindness to Hisoka to be sent home.]

[Whether it is a kindness to Tsuzuki, remains to be seen. In the meantime, he can make do with improvising, pretending he is happy. If Eleytheria will spend time with him, maybe he won't have to pretend so much. Especially if they're going to talk about food and inventions. He happily drags Eley towards the kitchen.]I'll show you later, ok? We can have supper.

[Eley doesn't protest much, not only because he wants to find out what Tsuzuki's up to himself, but because he feels he should perhaps be a bit more lenient towards the man for now and let him enjoy himself as he pleases. So he goes with Tsuzuki into the kitchen to find out exactly what his friend has in mind.

At least he'd used the oven before, or they might be in trouble when it comes to food. No, Tsuzuki had assured the Spirit that he knew what he was doing, and Eley trusted him enough to accept it.]

What exactly does 'having supper' involve?

[Okay so he wasn't exactly clued up on how people separated their meals...]

[Have a Vulcan knocking at your door.]

[knock knock]

[Considering how unused he is to getting visitors, Tsuzuki feels positively overrun today.]

[When he finally gets to the door, he doesn't even know what to say.]

Spock?

Greetings Mister Tsuzuki. Professor Helios has been teaching me to make pumpkin pies, and it was advised that I share baked goods with friends and acquaintances. I was compelled to come here.

[The Vulcan lifts a covered dish, with the pumpkin pie underneath.]

I hope that this is not a bad time.

[It is bad timing, but that isn't Spock's fault. It is no one's fault. Tsuzuki doesn't want to point it out either, especially when the vulcan has gone out of his way to make something. It smells delicious, like something from the bakery. To Tsuzuki it reminds him of comfort and home.]

[He smiles, although it is hard. At the same time, it isn't false. He is glad for the distraction. For the kindness.]

No, it's okay. Come in! Please.

[He would have to thank Helios, some time in the future, for teaching Spock to make gifts.]

[Spock couldn't help but notice the emotional atmosphere. Nevertheless, Spock steps over the threshold, and lets himself in.]

Thank you... though I cannot help but notice your emotional disposition. Are you well?

I... yes. No.

[How to explain this? Tsuzuki gestures to the living room, to show Spock that he's welcome.]

My partner was sent home.

[Spock regards the young man for a moment, worry etched on his face.]

I grieve with thee Tsuzuki... this must be a very difficult time for you.

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