idealism | Fuda #42 [action/video]

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Fuda #42 [action/video]

[If anyone walks past house 25 today, they will notice that is looks dark and abandoned. On the front door, someone has nailed a piece of paper. It says:

Hisoka and I has moved to Community house 5, room 4 on the ground floor. Draco has gone home.

-Tsuzuki

[The room number is underlined twice. He doesn't want anyone to come to the wrong part of the building by mistake.

There are too many goodbyes. After a while the body simply doesn't have enough energy to grieve for all of them, no matter how much it wants to. Tsuzuki doesn't know how to deal with it just yet, but he does know that he needs to at least pretend things are fine. That's why he takes his normal trip to the bakery and then to the temple during the rainy day. Rei is nowhere to be found at the temple, which is a huge red flag to him. She would have never left it without telling anyone. He does his best to make the temple stay clean and welcoming while he waits for her to come back.

When he goes to his new home, he makes sure to bring some real green and some snacks for Hisoka, as a way to try to cheer him up.]

Sorry about the mess. Do you want some help with the unpacking?

[Once he's hung his coat to dry, he opens his journal and presses the video function.]

I see we've gotten some more new people in town. How are you all settling in?

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We were talking about your empathy. That's the only time I could... you know. Feel what it is like.

[He shifts.]

Are you trying to ask me to let you in that far again?

[Tsuzuki's eyes widen. He hadn't thought about that possibility. Believing that it would be a breach of the fragile trust they'd manage to build up lately, he shakes his head. His feelings are complicated on the subject of synching, so even though he wouldn't mind trying it again he knows he hasn't deserved it.]

I know you only did it because it was an emergency.

But you want to.

...What would you want to do with me once you were in there?

[It's times like these that reminds Tsuzuki that Hisoka can read his mind, and he will doubtlessly compare him to Muraki no matter what he answers, because Hisoka doesn't associate intimacy with anything good.]

[It hurts to know, but it also makes him want to prove to his partner that he doesn't have to be so scared of him. Tsuzuki would rather die than hurt him.]

...I don't know. Get to know you again.

['Holding him close and reveling in not having to hide from each other' is a given. He doesn't say it, because he still feels like he blew the chance to have that kind of intimacy with him. That doesn't mean he has to give up their friendship, however.]

I wouldn't do anything you don't want me to.

[He sighs.]

Are you even aware you think about Muraki every time you think of me?

[It snaps him out of the soft guilt and right into a sharper sort of fear. If he does, it's no wonder Hisoka resents him. He doesn't want to think about what other kinds of horrible surprises Hisoka would encounter if they synched again. He swallows, trying to make eye contact with him.]

I don't - I mean, I don't think I do.

[He stares sharply at Tsuzuki.]

If I let you go through with this, I want you to promise some things first.

[That is surprising. He hasn't actually expected Hisoka to want to. If he's willing to take that kind of risk for him, it goes without saying that he needs to try to keep it safe for Hisoka. He tilts his head to the side, meeting his partner's sharp stare with a small smile.]

Okay. What kind of things?

You get ten minutes. We stay indoors. You don't make me do anything weird while I can't stop you.

[He nods soberly, although it's clear to see that he's wondering where the catch is. Aside from the fact that he needs to guard Hisoka from certain things, that is.]

What kind of weird things are we talking about?

Like the kind of weird things you used to fantasize about like a creepy old man.

Hisoka is mean.

[He'll let that subject drop, although it didn't answer his question. Tsuzuki is tired of constantly feeling like he's disgusting in his presence. That game grew tiresome ages ago.]

...what's in it for you, anyway? Why go through with it?

[He snatches Tsuzuki's wrist.]

If I'm lucky? I'll stop getting your emotional backwash.

[At this point he wants to say no. There are easier ways for Hisoka to avoid feeling him all the time, with much less risk to his person. Predictably, Tsuzuki gives up before he even begins. He can't summon the energy.]

I'm sorry about that. I know it's not easy for you.

Shut up and focus. Don't make it hard for me.

[He presses Tsuzuki's hand against his chest, eyes clenching shut.

And then he lets go.

No barriers, no wall to separate himself from his partner. He reaches out to welcome Tsuzuki's aura, an open sea prepared to allow a sailor.]

[All he can think about is that he can't meet him with this sort of reluctance in mind. It's like a smell of metal, reminding him that he is heavy, that he can drown. He pushes the thoughts to the back of his mind.

When Hisoka dares to expose himself on that level, it makes Tsuzuki's resistance to the idea meaningless. He's keeping a distance between them because it's what he believes Hisoka wants, after all. It's with clear eyes and no expectations that he reaches for Hisoka the same way his partner reaches for him, and despite all his reservations it still feels like coming home.]

[And then, Tsuzuki is privy to everything. Hisoka's fears, his dreams, his trust. Tsuzuki can see through Hisoka's eyes, at the colorful auras denoting souls everywhere. He can move with Hisoka's limbs, speak through his mouth.

And though Hisoka can't quite speak to him now, he's there too, in a way that can only be felt.]

[Tsuzuki is floored by the trust Hisoka is still willing to show him. His own being responds to the new sight with wonder and love, grateful for the opportunity to understand. It makes it clear to him why Hisoka struggles to describe his experiences. The feeling of being closer than close, where words melt away and become meaningless, has a profound effect on him. He hasn't felt that level of intimacy in years, possibly ever.]

Wow.

[It's so strange to hear Hisoka's voice when he expects his own. Because he isn't dying this time, there is a possibility for Hisoka to see the world through his eyes without feeling the weight of bloodloss and pain clouding his experience. All he has to do is give a small push.]

Edited 2013-06-07 09:45 (UTC)

[Hisoka imagines that it would be quite like the world he'd seen when his powers were blocked. He hated that world. It was gray and nonsensical.

But Tsuzuki's the one in control now, welcome to explore and feel around. He'd be welcome to lay his palm on a doorknob and feel the lingering presence of everyone who's ever touched it before. Everything is open, and nobody is present to tell him no.]

[When it comes down to it, what Tsuzuki wants is to see the world from Hisoka's point of view, not through his powers. Empathy differs based on how a person already sees the world. Tsuzuki sees the beauty in people, so it simply enhances that. But it doesn't actually make him any wiser when it comes to Hisoka's motivations. In theory he could take a peek at Hisoka's secrets while he is open to him, but that is the kind of gross violation of trust he wants to avoid. His partner has kept those things a secret for a reason.]

[He feels gratitude towards him, pulling back. Tsuzuki doesn't know how to withdraw completely, so he waits to see if Hisoka wakes enough to help.]

[When he pulls away, Hisoka crumples against him physically, severing the connection and collapsing, breaths coming heavy.]

Are you... Happy now?

[He gathers him up against him to try to make things easier for him. Seeing through empathy doesn't answer any questions. If anything, it makes it even harder for him to guess at Hisoka's thoughts and feelings. The only thing he knows for certain is that this was painful for his partner. He should have said 'no' more firmly, to protect him from it.]

[He strokes his hair tenderly. The lie is so easy. Harmless. It will keep Hisoka from hurting himself by doing this again. Besides, it's not a complete lie: he appreciates that Hisoka is opening up to him, even if he can't guess the motivations. He literally offered his body, and Tsuzuki knows how hard that is for him. It's not his fault that Tsuzuki has lost himself and can't appreciate the gesture the way it should be.]

Yes. Thank you. ...Are you okay?

[He did it because Tsuzuki kept asking. Because Tsuzuki kept thinking there was no trust. Kept thinking about Muraki. This should have fixed that.

But for now he just curls into Tsuzuki's chest.]

Just tired. I'll be fine.

[The problem was their lack of communication. If they were doing it to 'fix' him so that Hisoka would get some peace of mind at night, Tsuzuki imagined Hisoka would be there to do half the work, since he knew were the problems were. Tsuzuki didn't.

At least Tsuzuki knows he's wrong about there being no trust. He knows Hisoka took a great chance for him. That is the reason he couldn't stray while they were connected. He couldn't focus on his own shortcomings, not when he had been ordered not to make it hard for him. He embraces him tightly for a moment, glad to have him near.]

That was very kind of you.

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Fuda #42 [action/video]

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