idealism | Fuda #44 [action]

Fuda #44 [action]

[It had been so long since had a real family, that when the event is over and the delusion lifts, he doesn't want to believe it's true. Still, as much as he tries he understood that the life he wanted is the dream, and the reality isn't anything like what he expected.]

He is glad to know Hisoka again, of course. His partner was as close to family as he could get. Tsuzuki knows he isn't as alone as he feels.]

[Tsuzuki needs some space to think. He misses Seto and Helios and their strange, lovable family. It isn't fair they had to give it up. He walks out of the house and goes through the city, but that's not enough. IN the end, he arrives at a familiar hill, at a familiar tree. He begins to climb on autopilot, not stopping until he's a couple of meters over the ground. Maybe things will make more sense if he can see the bigger picture from there.]

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[As it happens, Hisoka's been having an outdoorsy sort of day. He hasn't set his bandages back on since abandoning them during the event. And though he's still fairly gnarled and upsetting to look at, he's not a walking blob of scar tissue anymore. He pauses at the base of Tsuzuki's tree, staring up at the man who's far too old to be up in a tree for any reason.]

What are you doing up there?

Looking at the world.

[He looks down at his scarred partner. The disfiguration doesn't bother him now that he's gotten used to it. They've both seen worse curses than this, so as long as Hisoka's not in pain that's what's important. Besides, he's grateful for the company. He swings his legs like a kid.]

Did you get bored with being inside?

I've been inside too much lately. I hate feeling trapped.

[He settles down at the base of the tree, apparently content to carry conversation like this.]

There's not a lot of world here to look at.

There's enough. I even saw a bird's nest up here.

[Although Hisoka doesn't mind him being up there, Tsuzuki wonders if it would be better to continue the conversation down on the ground. But Hisoka looks like he's peaceful down there, and he doesn't want to disturb him.]

...Did you get a good family this time around?

Birds make nests everywhere. That's nothing new.

And it wasn't really worth talking about. I'm never going to see them again..

[It doesn't seem fair to tell about his wonderful family then, considering that Hisoka's had just been stolen from him. Again.]

I hope they treated you well. That's all. I didn't know you well enough to make sure.

It was fine. It wasn't real. There's no reason to be nostalgic over it.

[He understands that Hisoka is saying it to reassure himself, but he still feels like he's saying that his experience doesn't matter, either.]

It felt real to me. I don't want to forget it.

[He hops down from the branch, to sit by Hisoka's side even though he wasn't asked.]

I mean, it's not like I'll be able to have a son again.

[It's actually insulting that Tsuzuki would say that. Hisoka's expression tightens.]

Tsuzuki, didn't you read what people have been talking about on the journals? It was part of an invasion. We were attacked from the inside out. Why would you want to subject yourself to that again?

I don't --I didn't say I wanted to go back. Why would you think that?

If you don't want to forget it, that's the same as accepting it. It's nice that you enjoyed having your head cracked open and your entire life pulled out and rearranged, but it was poison.

[Tsuzuki is quiet. He could spend the next half hour arguing with Hisoka over whether it should be forgotten or not, but ultimately he thinks they're talking about two different things. At least he recognizes that while he loved the experience and doesn't care if it's 'poison' if it means being happy, losing control of his mind must be utterly terrifying for his partner.]

You don't have to be angry. I know where my real family is.

[It feels like Tsuzuki's trying to handle him, to calm down the little one so that he stops throwing a fit.]

Do you? Because it looks like you're getting too caught up in playing pretend.

[In a way, he does want. He knows that their conversation is in the territory of Yelling and the neighborhood of Hurt Feelings, so he was hoping to nip it in the bud. Of course, the fact that he tries might actually make Hisoka more angry.]

Why does it matter? You've wanted things you can't have too, you know it's hard.

It matters because you're this upset that you had to remember who you are.

[And though he's only just settled down, he stands back up.]

The Tsuzuki I know is stronger than that. He wouldn't sit around regretting that he can't be brainwashed anymore. He'd be too busy trying to fight for the people who matter to him.

[Hisoka hasn't talked to him like that since... well, since they were home. It's a tone of voice that Tsuzuki has trouble standing up to. It lets him know that if he needs closure on the whole family business, he should go somewhere else. What they need to focus on is Hisoka's mistaken belief that he'd rather have a family than a partner, simply because he's mourning the loss of a world where he felt both human and the opposite of suicidal.

He gets up as well, placing a hand on Hisoka's shoulder. This fight isn't about how he feels, it's about Hisoka's hurt feelings, and how he feels he's giving up on him.]

You don't have to be scared. You're much too important to me to lose.

[He feels a lot of intentions coming from Tsuzuki now, and none of them are at all relevant to the conversation he's trying to have. And then contact is made, and he flinches instinctively even though it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did before.]

It's not about being scared, Tsuzuki. It's about not waxing nostalgic for that time someone turned you into a plaything. You might have felt more human, but you became less. Every single person who lives here has been violated. If you're not ready to fight for yourself, then fight for your friends.

[He doesn't expect it to look that painful. With an apologetic expression on his face, he instinctively draws his hand back. Unfortunately, Hisoka's rousing speech doesn't make as much impact as that flinch. Logically, he knows that Hisoka has a point, but worrying about that doesn't come before his need to make sure Hisoka's comfortable.]

I'm sorry. I thought your skin had healed more than that.

It's fine. I'm fine. Stop trying to change the subject.

[He doesn't want to change the subject at all. It's much safer than the one they're trying to have. Tsuzuki takes a deep breath. If that's the way Hisoka wants it, he can at least pretend to be the person he was before. It's not like it's the first time he's had to bounce back.]

...You're right. The people here doesn't deserve to have that done towards them against their will.

[His body turns away from Hisoka, looking to the horizon.]

But what are we supposed to do? It's not like I can contact my shikigami here.

[Good. Maybe if Tsuzuki pretends hard enough, he'll go back to acting like himself and not this... thing Luceti's turned him into. It's like there's someone else walking around in Tsuzuki's body and that's weird.]

You're not helpless without them, you know. You're still the most powerful shinigami I know. And you've got the power to inspire other people to act. That means a lot in a place like this where so many people have so much power and don't know what to do with it.

[Hisoka is wrong, even if he means well. Here he truly is without power. He can't even protect his own place as his partner, and what Hisoka is asking of him is much harder than that.

...But he does want to try, even if he doesn't believe in it. He wants to try because maybe it will make Hisoka feel like he's not alone in his fight. His wings rise ever so slightly on his back, before he tucks them together on his back.]

I'm not too sure. I think you'd be much better at rallying people together if you tried. You're the empath.

Is that what Suzaku would say?

[Tsuzuki's train of thought effectively derails at the unexpected question and for a moment he can do nothing but gawp. No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't have put up with his self-pity to begin with, she would have hugged it out of him. But he hadn't thought about her or what she'd think of his actions, because he was afraid he'd miss them all too much.

He was grateful that Hisoka was steering the conversation into this territory, rather than the path it could have gone.]

I'm sure she would, if she only got to know you a little better. You're better than you think.

And so are you. They all think rather highly of you, you know.

Fuda #44 [action]

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