idealism | Fuda #33 . reaching out [video]

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Fuda #33 . reaching out [video]

I don't suppose anyone here is good at chopping wood? And heaving lifting.

[If anyone thinks that's a loaded question: it definitely is. For a couple of days now he's been working on a campsite, and it's a lot more work - and a lot less fun - than he expected. It's great at keeping his mind off of less pleasant thoughts, however. Working out usually is.]

[Later in the day, he makes a post that he hasn't looked forward to. His little Luceti family has shrunk so much lately. Tsuzuki knows that it's for the best - that going home is good for them - but he still can't help missing them.]

Link's gone home. He's left letters for some people.

I just felt like some people ought to know.

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[He speaks softly, avoiding eye contact at all costs.]

Why can't you feel it?

[He lies down on his back, resting his head on his hand.]

Feel what?

It.

[All the things he can't say.]

[Tsuzuki could push again, but that would have been even worse. He glances over to Hisoka's side, quickly wrapping up his own feelings and slipping into his work mode. There will be time later to lick his wounds and remember what was being said.]

Is someone coming?

[He shakes his head, helpful as ever.]

[In that case he'll just glance up between the branches. The way the sunlight glints through them is beautiful.] It?

I already told you I don't want to have this conversation.

[He closes his eyes. When they open, he's looking in Hisoka's direction again.] You've already said this much.

So why do you keep asking me to explain?

It's not easy to always have to guess, Hisoka. I don't think you know how it feels to never really know.

Amd what if I don't know how to tell you?

....

You don't have to tell me. [He reaches for him, feeling apologetic.]

Do you know what i do when I can't say something?

[He still lets Tsuzuki touch, but any chance of reciprocation is long gone.]

Gm? What?

[Tsuzuki still feels very guilty for pushing him this far. He doesn't reply, he simply touches gently, showing him that he's not going to leave instead of saying it. There's his answer.]

[He nods slowly, letting the touch happen. Hopefully it's enough that he's not pulling away and shouting. He doesn't have the energy for more.

What did this all mean? Why couldn't he just behave like a sensible adult capable of handling himself in basic interactions? How soon until Tsuzuki brought this up again -- or worse, until he buried it again and let the uncertainty chew up his insides? It's a horrible feeling.]

[It's such a tense moment that Tsuzuki wouldn't have reacted well to a big fight, anyway. Very gently, as if expecting him to flinch when he comes nearer, Tsuzuki's fingertips touches the tips of Hisoka's.]

[He clears his throat, sitting up. It's a little vulnerable to lie down when they're talking.] I'm sorry.

[He averts his eyes from the brazen contact.]

You have nothing to be sorry for.

No, I do. I shouldn't have said any of that.

Tsuzuki, stop.

[He does as he's told, pressing his lips together. It's obvious that he's struggling with it.

Even if he understand that talking more will only make it worse, he can't help himself from wanting contact. He squeezes Hisoka's hand, his underlying love bleeding through like color dye in water. Tsuzuki doesn't want him to think he doesn't love him because of this.]

[Hisoka yanks his hand away, eyes squeezed tightly shut. It's too much and too hard and the extra contact is just confusing things worse than ever!]

I can't do this right now.

[Tsuzuki withdraws his hand once he's realizing that he's hurting him instead of helping him. It was never is intention to hurt Hisoka in this way. Ever! The fact that he just did only proves to him what a terrible idea it was to have this conversation.]

You don't have to. I understand.

[Above all, it makes Hisoka feel guilty. They'd come all the way out here for Tsuzuki's sake, to give him a place of peace and tranquility in the midst of a strenuous time for him. And then Hisoka was oversensitive again, making everyone feel worse than ever. It hurts, but there are still no words to describe it.]

Can't things just stay like they are? Why do you want to change everything?

I don't want to change everything. Some things are really nice.

Like what?

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