idealism | Fuda #34

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drinks!!

Fuda #34

[This time around, all Tsuzuki recorded was his slurred voice.]

What do you mix -- get if you mix vodka, liquor and raspberry juice?

[A long pause. There''s a clink of the glass. Consider how full of suck the world has been lately, it's a great day for drinking.]

Tatsumi's gone. His things were gone when I checked. There's not a lot of people left now.

So it's time to drink to them.

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...

You invite me out here, then ignore me. Is that how it is?

[ Despite the words, his tone of voice doesn't sound annoyed in the slightest. ]

Iss noth that.

[He blinks quickly, feeling close to tears again. He doesn't know why he thinks the way he does, only that he has no sense of self-worth to battle those insecurities. Alcohol only makes it worse.]

Hav'n't you ever felt like --like some people would have a better life without you in it?

Thero--theoricl-. Y'know.

Nope.

[ Joshua giggles, then shifts on his chair. ]

I'm never a part of people's lives in the first place.

[He turns his misty-eyed stare in Joshua's direction. That sounds so lonely.] 'm sho sorry.

Yourr a part of mine.

You're not alive.

[ Joshua giggles again. ]

Besides, I don't regret my decision. I don't need sympathy for it.

Decision?

What led to my situation. Ah, but I'm not the one we're talking about right now.

Why do you think Hisoka would be better off without you?

But I really wanna know.

[He touches his glass absentmindedly. When did he empty it?]

...He wouddn't feel so embarr'ssed all t' time. An' he wouldn't have to worry.

Because you're the only person in the world capable of making him feel embarrassed, and the only person he'd ever worry about?

No.

[And while that's true, it still hurts. It's not pleasant to realize he's being self-centered.]

But I know he worries.

So what?

I don' wanna be a burden.

No one can exist without ever being a burden to anyone else. It's impossible.

But 'Soka has 'nough burdens. I shudd be someone he can rely on, not... not a drunk iddiot.

You're allowed to be human, too.

[Joshua couldn't have chosen his words better. Tsuzuki's facial expression crumbles with emotion, and he covers his mouth with his hand to keep the sounds inside. The alcohol in his system certainly doesn't help, it only leaves him more vulnerable, and he finds that he's very close to crying.]

[ Joshua doesn't say anything. Instead he simply threads his fingers together and rests his head on his hands. He can give Tsuzuki some time to digest that. ]

[And while Joshua waits, Tsuzuki is doing his damnest to pull himself together. His whole body is tense as he attempts to stop himself from sobbing in front of him. Hisoka had said something similar when Tsuzuki was in a very difficult time in his life - being reminded of it puts him right back in that alley, and the emotions are hard to contain. He wipes his eyes, sounding stuffed.]

Sorry. You're right.

Cry if you need to.

[ He has time. ]

No. I'mmok.

[But of course he's not. And soon tears start to fall. When he opens his mouth again, his voice is quiet and mumbling.]

...I know wha it feels like to have someone after you, when you don' like them that way. I don' wanna be a Muraki to 'Soka.

[ ... oh. ]

You're attracted to him.

[He cowers his eyes. If he hadn't been so drunk, he would have said he needs a drink.]

It was an acc'dent.

Is that what this whole thing is about?

[He shakes his head weakly. It's a big contributing factor, but what initially started the whole thing was that so many friends he had known had gone home. Hisoka simply added the last drop in the bucket when Tsuzuki felt down. Tsuzuki has no idea how to say that.]

'S a long story.

D'you think I shudd apologize to 'im?

For what?

Fuda #34

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