idealism | Fuda #34

You're drinking a lot more than usual lately.

A lot more people're leavin' lately.

And it means they get to go home. That's a good thing, remember?

If Draco went home one day, would you celerb-- cerelbrba- be happy about it?

I'd be happier if you'd come back from the bar.

Do you want me to go get you?

You don' have to. 'M not that drunk yet.

[But then he remembers that Hisoka deserves a better answer. He doesn't want to make him worry.] I'll come back soon! I know th'way now.

[Too late.]

I'm on my way there.

[But then Hisoka may ask uncomfortable questions and interrupt his Woe-is-Me-session!] Ooookay. But then I inshist you drink with me.

[Yeah that's not going to happen. But BRB, Hisoka is already out of the house on his way to crash that boohoo party.]

[He doesn't like the silence.]

Hiiisoka?

[Nope, still more silence. It's a long walk to the center of town, okay. :|]

[He shakes his journal, in case there's just a technical difficulty.]

Weird.

[Yes, Tsuzuki. That's exactly how the journals work.

But either way, there'll be a Hisoka barging into Tsuzuki's space in a few minutes, sliding into a seat beside him at the bar.]

[He blearily looks to the door when he hears it creak open. Having Hisoka around means that he needs to think again, which is not something he's looking forward to. The dizzy feeling had only just begun to make him feel better, too.

He offers him a sweet smile, sipping his drink.]

'lo.

[He gives Tsuzuki a nod as he orders himself a proper cup of tea.]

So do you plan on coming back to the house at all this week? Or are you just going to live here?

[He decides that it's best to look straight into his drink. At least that one won't ask him questions.]

I havn't been here that often.

[He slides his drink slightly to the side.]

Wanna try it?

Right. [He slides it right back to Tsuzuki.]

No thank you.

More f'me.

[He takes a sip from it, his voice turning softer.]

I was so happy when Tatsumi got'ere. This is unfair.

Maybe he went back to get reinforcements.

Y'said that when they went back they frgot. So. He forgot.

[Ugh. The one time Tsuzuki listens to him!]

Unless he left on his own accord.

[Unfortunately he remembers a lot of that afternoon. Tsuzuki rests his cheek on his hand, elbow propped up on the table.]

He wouldn't do dat.

Of course he would, if it meant filing for a rescue mission.

[He shakes his head.]

Not without tellin' us first. You wouln't either, right?

Of course not. I told you I'm here as long as you are.

[Even though they've fought and things are awkward between them, Tsuzuki smiles sappily when he hears that. He tries to cover it up, but the alcohol in his system makes it take a while.]

Right.

[...Yeah except coverups don't work anyway when your partner is psychic, but whatever.]

So. ...We need to endure. That's all there is to it.

[It gives him an idea that he's actually in control of his life, even if it's a lie. The thought of enduring Luceti isn't actually something he's looking forward to now.]

Then'll need another drink.

I think you've had enough.

C'mon. One moe.

You can have one more tomorrow.

Why? Why can't I have one now?

Because you've already had too many.

Drinking makes me feel okay. Y'want me to feel 'kay, right?

Tsuzuki. You're done.

So mean.

[Tsuzuki being Tsuzuki, he doesn't fight Hisoka on this, even though a part of him doesn't want to give up. He doesn't want to go home and think about what they've gone through the last few weeks.]

[Yeah, he knows.]

Can you walk without help?

Of cours'!

[He jumps off the the bar stool and nearly loses his balance. Maybe he's had more drinks than he thought: he pretty much lost count after the ninth.]

I did dat on purples.

No, you didn't.

[SIGH. He'll be hauling Tsuzuki up by the shoulder and trying to escort him out now.]

Ow ow careful!

[His wings flap ineffectually as he's dragged. Man, he should have hurried and had some drinks before Hisoka got there. But despite feeling down and hurt and drunk, he follows. The last thing he needs right now is an argument.]

If you wanted Gentle, you should have thought of it before you got too drunk to function.

Thass it.

[He clings to the doorway.]

Lemme go, I'll sleep here tonight.

...

You're kidding.

Then I don have to walk and fall over.

[...Tug.]

Come on. Behave yourself. People can see.

Thass ok. They're probly drunk too.

[He reluctantly follows as he's tugged, only losing his balance a couple of times. The last time leads him straight into bumping against Hisoka's hip.]

Sarry.

[He wobbles because Tsuzuki is kind of a giant, but the tugging continues.]

That's no excuse. Be dignified.

Why?

Because you're an adult. You're a shinigami, and you're Japanese.

[What's with this use of logic on a drunk person. That's like bringing a gun to a knifefight.]

You'rright.

We should've done some karaoke.

Just. Walk. [...Grr.]

[He does. Walking in silence is boring, though.]

Hey 'Soka?

Yeah?

What've you been doing today?

Why do you care?

'Fcourse I care. Yourr my partner.

But it's not as though there's anything productive to do here. So what's the point in asking every day?

Cuz I want to know? I like hearing about wha you do. Or donn do.

Today I sat aside and watched my partner obliterate his liver, rendering him incapacitated until it regenerates.

I'm not incapisated. Jush drunk.

'm glad you're looking out for me.

...Yeah, whatever.

Whas wrong?

Nothing, Tsuzuki.

You're angry. Ish it because of the drinking?

I'm not angry, Tsuzuki.,

Then what are you?

I'm taking you home.

You ARE angry. --Waitasec.

[He wobbles and kneels down on the ground. Tying his shoes while drunk, what fun. At least it's better than tripping on them.]

[ ...

and so Hisoka pauses to wait, chewing on the inside of his mouth.]

[He'll have to wait a while. Seeing double doesn't help him tying the laces, exactly.]

Is it cuz I went out t'night?

I already told you I'm not mad, Tsuzuki.

'cause if it bothers you that much...

[Shoelaces aren't supposed to be this difficult. He frowns, working harder. It's only on the third try he gets it right.]

....Er. Can you help me up?

. . .

[He drags Tsuzuki up by the shoulder.]

[Once he's on his feet, he drags Hisoka into a brief hug.]

Thanks.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh look, the stars are out. It's dat late already?

Yes, it's that late.

I didn mean to sit there all night. You know that, right? I just-- I just--

I know. You don't have to explain it to me.

[He smiles weakly, a little comforted.] I knew you'd understan'.

Yeah. ...Stop worrying so much, okay?

[He blinks sleepily, too tired to play oblivious. He tries anyway.] Who saz I'm worring?

I say you are. So don't do it.

'm not worried about me, 'Soka.

Then what, Tsuzuki?

[He sighs deeply.]

'm worrid about you. I must've hurt your feelings.

My feelings are fine, Tsuzuki.

Good.

It's gonna be okay. I'll lissen to you from now on.

You're in no shape to be having this conversation.

Do you wanna have it inshtead?

That doesn't even make sense.

You can have the convesasion.

I just want to drag you into bed. We can talk in the morning.

[Tsuzuki sighs dramatically, looking unintentionally a little silly.]

But'm not tired.

And yet you're drunk enough to pass out once you lay down.

[He fumbles with the doorknob to their house.]

Nah. I can handle waaay more dricks.

That's nice.

[He managed to open the door! Aren't you proud of him? He certainly feels accomplished, at least.]

You din have to come get me. But thankyou.

...Just get to your room.

[He doesn't object. Instead he bends down to take off his shoes. Just because he's drunk doesn't mean he can walk inside with his outside shoes. It almost makes him topple, though.]

Why're you up so late?

Bringing you home.

You shoud be in bed.

After you

[He touches Hisoka's wings softly. There's something he's dying to say, but he doesn't know how to get the words together. The alcohol certainly doesn't help. Nodding, he turns and slowly makes his way to his room.]

[He lets the touch happen, but that doesn't mean he has to like it.

When Tsuzuki's properly back into his room, Hisoka returns to the kitchen to grab some water. He'd hate to wake up with a contact hangover.]

[It's not that he meant to make him woozy - Tsuzuki just forgot that drunkedness could be contagious that way. He wishes his brain would work properly, since not being able to find the right words bothers him. And it's not like he can wait until he's sober again - then his nerves get in the way.

He hums quietly to himself as he sits down on his bed, working on his tie. Falling asleep with one one is just an invitation to be choked.]

[And he's welcome to do that. Hisoka isn't planning to interrupt that anytime soon.]

[He hangs the tie on the headboard. Being this drunk makes him feel kind of pleasantly hollow. It makes him not really pay attention to the fact that Hisoka's not coming. Well, he cares a little, but he tries to ignore it. Tucking his wings close to his body, he crawls under the covers.]

G'night!

Night.

[His reply is soft, possibly too soft to be heard.]

[This time, it's too soft for Tsuzuki to hear. He glances out of the window while he tries to calm down. He doesn't like the bedroom he usually sleeps in. It's not as cozy as the one in 49, and the only view is woods. It makes him feel isolated.

After a while, he falls asleep, just like Hisoka predicted.]

That's easy. You get drunk. [ Giggle giggle. ]

Thass true!

I was hoping it'd have a fancy drink name. Like, uhm. Nice Kick in th' head.

Maybe it does. It's not a name I know, at least. Is it tasty?

It's kind of. But alsho kind of yucky.

Hee hee, are you drinking it anyway?

Fcourse! Waste of good alcolol otherwise.

You could try mixing it with other things instead. Or simply not drink it at the moment.

Not drink? But I wanna get drunk!

And why's that?

Because 'Soka.

[He takes another sip of the drink, though it makes him want to stick his tongue out.]

What does he have to do with it?

He haaates meeeee.

...

Where did you get that idea?

I guess 'm not bein' fair. He said we should stay frends, so he can't hate me.

... So he broke up with you. [ Giggle ]

[Giggling at people's emo-pain is rude.] Tecnlly he's not. I don think we dated to begin with. 'Soka thought dating was stupid.

...

Did you want to date him?

It'stupid, I know.

[ Huh. You learn something new every day. ]

Is that why he broke up with you?

[He just doesn't have the energy to rub that wound just yet.]

Josha, come hava drink with me.

Hmm. Where are you right now?

Heaven!

[ Okay, Tsuzuki, you get a laugh for that one. ~~It's funny because they're both dead.~~ ]

Alright, then. Do wait up for me.

[ Luckily he only lives a few doors away, so here's hoping Tsuzuki meant Seventh Heaven because Joshua is walking in the door a few minutes later. ]

[7th Heaven was indeed the bar he hinted at. The moment the door opens he waves at Joshua, urging him to come sit down.]

Tha was really fast.

[ And Joshua does, taking a seat next to him. ]

I do live nearby, you know.

Oh.

[He swirls the weird mixture of drinks he's been sipping from, wondering if he should offer it to Joshua.]

Lucky. I don't live near at all.

Where did you move to?

Twenny-five. 'Soka wanted to live with Draco.

I see. [ /filed away for completely innocent purposes ] Are they close?

Yeah. Rilly close.

... Close enough to make you jealous?

[If he hadn't been so smashingly drunk, Tsuzuki would have been able to mask that overwhelming feeling of being found out. He stares at Joshua, wondering how to approach this, if he's to approach it at all.]

That 'as noth'ng to do with this.

It doesn't? Are you sure? [ He glances to the glass Tsuzuki's holding, then back up to his face with a grin. You were the one who invited the world's meanest therapist to drink with you... ]

[It's downright disturbing how quickly Joshua zeroed in on something that's been gnawing at Tsuzuki's mind for ages. He clings a little too tightly to his glass, so once he noticed Joshua watching him he purposely loosened the grip.]

Hisoka arrived'ere years before me. He needed s'meone.

Is that what you tell yourself to make peace with their relationship?

[His wings fold up tightly on his back, the best outwards sign that he wasn't liking were the conversation's. He lifts his forefinger unsteadily. They need to clear something up right now.]

They don 'ave a relatinship.

They are two people who interact with each other. That is called a relationship.

[He finishes his drink, and the alcohol makes him braver.]

... It both'red me a lot 'n the beginn'ng.

Does it still?

[He hesitates. It's only because he's lonely and hasn't gotten to say this before that makes him tell Joshua.]

Well, itsh not fun bein' replaced. But 'Soka would be misrebla--sad without 'im now.

What makes you think you've been replaced?

['Lot of practice' is what he almost answers, but thinks better of it.]

It's a feelin' I get. I don' know how to explain. You know-at I mean, right?

Not at all. Do elaborate.

Like... like he's bored.

He'sss outgrowin' me.

Why do you think that is?

It wash only a matter of time. Y'know? I musht be doing som'thin' wron.

I'm still not seeing how that follows.

Oh? But it makes peffect sense.

Then what makes you think it was inevitable?

[He doesn't answer, rubbing his face as if it brings him comfort. Looking critically on why he believes that it Must Happen isn't comfortable or fun, so he decides to drink instead.]

...

You invite me out here, then ignore me. Is that how it is?

[ Despite the words, his tone of voice doesn't sound annoyed in the slightest. ]

Iss noth that.

[He blinks quickly, feeling close to tears again. He doesn't know why he thinks the way he does, only that he has no sense of self-worth to battle those insecurities. Alcohol only makes it worse.]

Hav'n't you ever felt like --like some people would have a better life without you in it?

Thero--theoricl-. Y'know.

Nope.

[ Joshua giggles, then shifts on his chair. ]

I'm never a part of people's lives in the first place.

[He turns his misty-eyed stare in Joshua's direction. That sounds so lonely.] 'm sho sorry.

Yourr a part of mine.

You're not alive.

[ Joshua giggles again. ]

Besides, I don't regret my decision. I don't need sympathy for it.

Decision?

What led to my situation. Ah, but I'm not the one we're talking about right now.

Why do you think Hisoka would be better off without you?

But I really wanna know.

[He touches his glass absentmindedly. When did he empty it?]

...He wouddn't feel so embarr'ssed all t' time. An' he wouldn't have to worry.

Because you're the only person in the world capable of making him feel embarrassed, and the only person he'd ever worry about?

No.

[And while that's true, it still hurts. It's not pleasant to realize he's being self-centered.]

But I know he worries.

So what?

I don' wanna be a burden.

No one can exist without ever being a burden to anyone else. It's impossible.

But 'Soka has 'nough burdens. I shudd be someone he can rely on, not... not a drunk iddiot.

You're allowed to be human, too.

[Joshua couldn't have chosen his words better. Tsuzuki's facial expression crumbles with emotion, and he covers his mouth with his hand to keep the sounds inside. The alcohol in his system certainly doesn't help, it only leaves him more vulnerable, and he finds that he's very close to crying.]

[ Joshua doesn't say anything. Instead he simply threads his fingers together and rests his head on his hands. He can give Tsuzuki some time to digest that. ]

[And while Joshua waits, Tsuzuki is doing his damnest to pull himself together. His whole body is tense as he attempts to stop himself from sobbing in front of him. Hisoka had said something similar when Tsuzuki was in a very difficult time in his life - being reminded of it puts him right back in that alley, and the emotions are hard to contain. He wipes his eyes, sounding stuffed.]

Sorry. You're right.

Cry if you need to.

[ He has time. ]

No. I'mmok.

[But of course he's not. And soon tears start to fall. When he opens his mouth again, his voice is quiet and mumbling.]

...I know wha it feels like to have someone after you, when you don' like them that way. I don' wanna be a Muraki to 'Soka.

[ ... oh. ]

You're attracted to him.

[He cowers his eyes. If he hadn't been so drunk, he would have said he needs a drink.]

It was an acc'dent.

Is that what this whole thing is about?

[He shakes his head weakly. It's a big contributing factor, but what initially started the whole thing was that so many friends he had known had gone home. Hisoka simply added the last drop in the bucket when Tsuzuki felt down. Tsuzuki has no idea how to say that.]

'S a long story.

D'you think I shudd apologize to 'im?

For what?

For pushin'.

Have you been pushing him?

I din't think so.

...I dunno anymore. Isn' feelin somethin' close by him pushin'im in a way?

In a way. But only Hisoka himself can tell you if that matters.

He won'. He's too proud.

Then he'll suffer for his pride. Unless you'd rather I find out for you, but I somehow doubt he'd appreciate that.

Thanks, but I don' need him to have anodder reason to -to lose co'fidence in me.

[He takes another sip of his drink, and for the first time that night he begins to realize he's had enough.]

I guess ders nothin' I can do.

[ He'd had enough the moment he got drunk enough to think inviting Joshua over was not going to end poorly for all his secrets. ]

Not if he won't tell you anything. It might seem strange to Hisoka who has never needed to ask, but if he has problems with you they won't get addressed unless he tells you. And if he does tell you, you need to respect them.

Fuda #34

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