Fuda #42 [action/video]

[idealism]

[If anyone walks past house 25 today, they will notice that is looks dark and abandoned. On the front door, someone has nailed a piece of paper. It says:

Hisoka and I has moved to Community house 5, room 4 on the ground floor. Draco has gone home.

-Tsuzuki

[The room number is underlined twice.  He doesn't want anyone to come to the wrong part of the building by mistake. 

There are too many goodbyes. After a while the body simply doesn't have enough energy to grieve for all of them, no matter how much it wants to. Tsuzuki doesn't know how to deal with it just yet, but he does know that he needs to at least pretend things are fine.  That's why he takes his normal trip to the bakery and then to the temple during the rainy day.  Rei is nowhere to be found at the temple, which is a huge red flag to him.  She would have never left it without telling anyone.  He does his best to make the temple stay clean and welcoming while he waits for her to come back.

When he goes to his new home, he makes sure to bring some real green and some snacks for Hisoka, as a way to try to cheer him up.]

Sorry about the mess.  Do you want some help with the unpacking?

[Once he's hung his coat to dry, he opens his journal and presses the video function.]

I see we've gotten some more new people in town.  How are you all settling in?

Comments

[Action]

[idealism]

[It's a little surprising and a little good at the same time. Tsuzuki always feels calmer when there's some kind of physical contact to remind him that he's not alone. He touches Hisoka's hair absentmindedly.]

Like what?

[Action]

[cynicism]

Like.. everything. Nothing looked right. It was like there was a wall between me and everything. I couldn't see real colors.

I felt... thick.

[Action]

[idealism]

[Tsuzuki doesn't say anything at first. That doesn't mean he's silent: his emotions are clear and expressive, growing even more so when he empathizes with the isolation Hisoka is describing. It hurts to be that alone, and he doesn't want Hisoka to have to feel that way.]

Thick?

[Action]

[cynicism]

Like a bull. Like walking through the world was an intrusion. I don't understand how you do it every day.

[Action]

[idealism]

I thin it's something you get used to after a while.

Remember when we synched?

[Action]

[cynicism]

Of course I remember that.

[Action]

[idealism]

It was a good feeling. Is that how you normally feel?

[Action]

[cynicism]

[He shakes his head.]

It was better with you.

[Action]

[idealism]

[Tsuzuki needs to hear things like that ever so often, to remind himself that they're not bad for each other. He kisses Hisoka's hair.]

What you did back then was impressive, you know. I had no idea you could use your empathy for that.

[Action]

[cynicism]

It was just necessary for the moment. No big deal.

[Action]

[idealism]

We couldn't have defeated Muraki back then without you.

[In his clumsy way, it's Tsuzuki telling Hisoka that it was a big deal that he trusted him that much. Especially after he had failed him by letting him get kidnapped in the first place.]

[Action]

[cynicism]

It was my fault you were injured in the first place.

[Action]

[idealism]

No, that was my own fault. I panicked.

Re: [Action]

[cynicism]

We're not going to get anywhere arguing about something that happened years ago.

[Action]

[idealism]

[He lifts his hands in surrender.]

I'm not arguing. I just don't think you did anything wrong back then.

[Action]

[cynicism]

Why are you bringing up closed cases anyway?

[Action]

[idealism]

We were talking about your empathy. That's the only time I could... you know. Feel what it is like.

[Action]

[cynicism]

[He shifts.]

Are you trying to ask me to let you in that far again?

[Action]

[idealism]

[Tsuzuki's eyes widen. He hadn't thought about that possibility. Believing that it would be a breach of the fragile trust they'd manage to build up lately, he shakes his head. His feelings are complicated on the subject of synching, so even though he wouldn't mind trying it again he knows he hasn't deserved it.]

I know you only did it because it was an emergency.

[Action]

[cynicism]

But you want to.

...What would you want to do with me once you were in there?

[Action]

[idealism]

[It's times like these that reminds Tsuzuki that Hisoka can read his mind, and he will doubtlessly compare him to Muraki no matter what he answers, because Hisoka doesn't associate intimacy with anything good.]

[It hurts to know, but it also makes him want to prove to his partner that he doesn't have to be so scared of him. Tsuzuki would rather die than hurt him.]

...I don't know. Get to know you again.

['Holding him close and reveling in not having to hide from each other' is a given. He doesn't say it, because he still feels like he blew the chance to have that kind of intimacy with him. That doesn't mean he has to give up their friendship, however.]

I wouldn't do anything you don't want me to.

[Action]

[cynicism]

[He sighs.]

Are you even aware you think about Muraki every time you think of me?

[Action]

[idealism]

[It snaps him out of the soft guilt and right into a sharper sort of fear. If he does, it's no wonder Hisoka resents him. He doesn't want to think about what other kinds of horrible surprises Hisoka would encounter if they synched again. He swallows, trying to make eye contact with him.]

I don't - I mean, I don't think I do.

[Action]

[cynicism]

[He stares sharply at Tsuzuki.]

If I let you go through with this, I want you to promise some things first.

[Action]

[idealism]

[That is surprising. He hasn't actually expected Hisoka to want to. If he's willing to take that kind of risk for him, it goes without saying that he needs to try to keep it safe for Hisoka. He tilts his head to the side, meeting his partner's sharp stare with a small smile.]

Okay. What kind of things?