idealism | Fuda #33 . reaching out [video]

Tsuzuki, what part of "drop it" didn't you understand?

[It's more than a little worrying how stubborn Hisoka is about it. He tries to imagine why, and ends up going over his own memories. The oldest ones, the one involving blood and white walls, is definitely something he'd rather be without.] I suppose that some things would be nice to forget.

Memories don't work like that. You can't just pick and choose what you get to remember. Things stay with you, Tsuzuki. All the things you never want to think about again are what haunt a person the worst.

[It's then he understands what this is about, even if he doesn't know the details. Hisoka's anger tends to center around Muraki.]

I know that. I don't think you're remembering that because you want to.

You don't get it. [He creates more distance between them, curling his knees to his chest.]

[He understands why Hisoka does it, but it nevertheless makes him want to reach out for him. Hisoka shouldn't have to hurt alone because of this.]

Then talk with me. Help me understand.

No.

[It's stubborn and childish, but easier than having this conversation.]

[He sighs. It would completely cruel of him to push Hisoka to share when he's already feeling so exposed. Instead he does the opposite.]

I know it feels lonely, Hisoka. And it may feel like no one can possibly know what you're going through.

When I was in the hospital, there was a lot of things I tried to forget, too. I felt like nothing could ever get better because I remembered.

Tsuzuki I keep telling you to stop.

I'm sorry. [He is, genuinely. It's a mix of vulnerability, disappointment and understanding, because he knows that Hisoka can't see what he sees.]

I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Yeah, sure. [It doesn't help. Nothing helps. That's why it's important to segment that emotion and push it away where it can't ache.]

[Tsuzuki can't justify pushing Hisoka further. He gets to his feet, brushing of the grass stains.]

Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.

Hey.

[He looks up immediately, in an almost jerkily frantic motion. Just because he says he wants to be alone doesn't mean he actually wants to be alone!]

Where are you going?

[He's grateful for that, at least, since sometimes Hisoka's shell is a bit too well-crafted. It's hard ot know when he's genuinely angry or just scared. Tsuzuki smiles weakly. He glances down at the way Hisoka still sits, arms around himself and knees drawn up. He couldn't look more defensive if he tried.]

You looked a bit crowded, so I thought I'd give you some space.

[Regardless of how he looks, he's not about to uncurl any time soon.]

...Oh. Well. Do what you want.

[He doesn't really know what he had expected Hisoka to say, but a small part of him had hoped he'd tell him to stay.

If that pose doesn't scream "get away from me", Tsuzuki doesn't know what. He takes a step back, clasping his hands on his back.]

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Don't worry.

All right. So. Sit back down already, jeez.

[He needed to hear that, to know he hadn't pushed too hard. The warmth he feels from hearing that is almost as good as a hug. Tsuzuki ducks his head and takes his spot again.] Sure.

[Tsuzuki's welcome to settle, though Hisoka doesn't move any closer to him or offer conversation topic. He's helpful like that.]

[He can't just sit there and not reach out for him. It would be like watching him crumble without doing something to help.]

Hisoka.

[Tsuzuki kneels down in front of him, placing a hand on his knee.]

Hug?

What? [He lifts his head.] Why?

Because sometimes they help.

[He inches closer, looking fairly like a puppy that's been kicked.]

That's silly.

You shouldn't say it'd silly until you've tried it.

[He continues to inch just a little closer, finally wrapping his arms around Hisoka's shoulders.]

[He accepts it, though he doesn't return it. There's no point.]

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